he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
