Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
