he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
