Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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