i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
