Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
