If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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