Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
