i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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