Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
