I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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