You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
