Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
