just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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