hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
