What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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