I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
