Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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