Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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