Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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