a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
