Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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