how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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