Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize