yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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