Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
