i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
