I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
