meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
if only i could text you this smell
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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