well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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