it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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