I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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