it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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