I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
