found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
