Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
