Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
