and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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