i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
