Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
