remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
