Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
