Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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