I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
