She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
