I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
