i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
