y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My hand turned me down
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
