I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh god it's open bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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