remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
