That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
