The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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